Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
You Might Also Like
#CatsOnTwitter
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese