“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server