Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”