Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
You Might Also Like
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.