The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
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Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.