Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”