When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.