Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be