I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese