The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard