I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
hi why am I like this
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY