The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.