Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Passwords are more important than ever.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry