[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point