My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me