This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Yup….perfect score!
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
それは草
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone