Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.