I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising