I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean