Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife