Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.