Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: