ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
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You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor