#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
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Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher