“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
went fishing caught a bass
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*has no idea what a book even is*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.