Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?