Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.