When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
bad
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