Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
handsome & gretel
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!