If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!