2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.