[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Risking my life for fun.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved