Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
adam and eve had first world problems
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
oh my gosh!!
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)