A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
haven鈥檛 exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it鈥檚 on the table
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Nice try, NASA
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touch茅 kid
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
#ParentingFacts
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.