before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You Might Also Like
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only