If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
relationship goals
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket