Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*