BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.