What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes