Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.