I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it