peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.