my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock