since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.