when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.