Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.