This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My love language is hissing.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long