oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.