Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I needed a laugh this morning.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.