All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Great acting.. 😂
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person